this hit so close to home, it's exactly what i needed to read right now. you found the perfect words, imagery and advice i could look for. thank you <3
the line about replaying conversations like crime scenes with yourself always on trial - that's the part that separates this kind of grief from every other kind. because when someone dies, the pain is about absence. when someone living chooses distance, the pain is about rejection dressed as ambiguity. there's no body to bury. just an open door that nobody walks through anymore. what makes this grief particularly cruel is the bargaining you described - the belief that if you had been softer or quieter or stronger, they would have stayed. that's not grief talking. that's the child inside who learned that love was conditional and if it left, it was because you failed some invisible test. the hardest truth in this piece is that closure isn't something the other person gives you. it's something you build alone out of materials that don't feel like enough. and you build it anyway.
Did you just write that for me? As this has resonated so strongly. A very close friend of mine betrayed me & never apologised - it was me who cut all ties - but I mourn her friendship so much. They were such a huge part of my life & what they did gave me a nervous breakdown it was so bad. I was so ill for months after. Slowly I’ve accepted it but it’ll always hurt. But thanks for these words nonetheless 🧡
I’m really glad it resonated, because what you’re feeling is completely valid. Losing someone who’s still alive, especially without closure, can hurt in a way that lingers. I’m truly sorry you went through something so painful, and I hope things continue to feel a little lighter with time.
Every time I think it’s getting better I suddenly dream about them and they’re finally apologising in my dream & we’re friends again - but then I wake up & reality hits me & I realise we’re not. I still see them occasionally but from a distance & I say nothing nor even look at them as I’m still so angry. It’s been 18 months. I do hope this goes away or at least gets easier.
I love this article. I feel this article. I had to go no contact with most of my family after my narcissistic brother lied about my mother’s death and they all believed him about my part in it. I grieve that relationship I lost with those I thought were family. And the big one is my niece who lied in a deposition about me. It hurts I do not have our same relationship as when she was growing up.
I really enjoyed this piece and the level of heart and soul ,that is evident here, is testament to the love that you have, unfortunately, been left with. I explained my tears to my young children when my father died , as all the love that I wasn’t able to give to him coming out through my eyes. Your left-over love is poured into these words. I am sorry that you had to go through this but thank you for sharing.
And we never, never out-live what's stuck in our hearts like a harpoon
this hit so close to home, it's exactly what i needed to read right now. you found the perfect words, imagery and advice i could look for. thank you <3
the line about replaying conversations like crime scenes with yourself always on trial - that's the part that separates this kind of grief from every other kind. because when someone dies, the pain is about absence. when someone living chooses distance, the pain is about rejection dressed as ambiguity. there's no body to bury. just an open door that nobody walks through anymore. what makes this grief particularly cruel is the bargaining you described - the belief that if you had been softer or quieter or stronger, they would have stayed. that's not grief talking. that's the child inside who learned that love was conditional and if it left, it was because you failed some invisible test. the hardest truth in this piece is that closure isn't something the other person gives you. it's something you build alone out of materials that don't feel like enough. and you build it anyway.
Did you just write that for me? As this has resonated so strongly. A very close friend of mine betrayed me & never apologised - it was me who cut all ties - but I mourn her friendship so much. They were such a huge part of my life & what they did gave me a nervous breakdown it was so bad. I was so ill for months after. Slowly I’ve accepted it but it’ll always hurt. But thanks for these words nonetheless 🧡
I’m really glad it resonated, because what you’re feeling is completely valid. Losing someone who’s still alive, especially without closure, can hurt in a way that lingers. I’m truly sorry you went through something so painful, and I hope things continue to feel a little lighter with time.
Every time I think it’s getting better I suddenly dream about them and they’re finally apologising in my dream & we’re friends again - but then I wake up & reality hits me & I realise we’re not. I still see them occasionally but from a distance & I say nothing nor even look at them as I’m still so angry. It’s been 18 months. I do hope this goes away or at least gets easier.
Thank you for touching on this type of grief that always seems to lack closure
I feel this one deeply. 💔
I love this article. I feel this article. I had to go no contact with most of my family after my narcissistic brother lied about my mother’s death and they all believed him about my part in it. I grieve that relationship I lost with those I thought were family. And the big one is my niece who lied in a deposition about me. It hurts I do not have our same relationship as when she was growing up.
I really enjoyed this piece and the level of heart and soul ,that is evident here, is testament to the love that you have, unfortunately, been left with. I explained my tears to my young children when my father died , as all the love that I wasn’t able to give to him coming out through my eyes. Your left-over love is poured into these words. I am sorry that you had to go through this but thank you for sharing.